Grieving children don't need us to be perfect
They need us to be honest.
I attended The Silence Is Over, a conference at Liverpool Cathedral last week all about bereavement education in schools. A room full of teachers, charities, funeral professionals and people with lived experience, all asking the same question: how do we support children when someone they love dies?
Some of the numbers shared stopped me in my tracks:
A parent of children under 18 dies every 20 minutes in the UK.
That's around 127 newly bereaved children every single day.
By 16, 1 in 20 young people will have experienced the death of one or both parents.
78% of 11 to 16 year olds say they've had a close loss.
From this September, death, dying and grief are part of the national curriculum in England. It's a huge step. But it doesn't stop at the school gates. Grieving children are in every school and every community, and the grown-ups around them are often grieving too, while trying their best not to get it wrong.
So here's what I was reminded of, for parents, carers, teachers and anyone supporting a grieving child.
Talk honestly.
Use the real words
Died. Dead. Dying.
I know they can feel harsh. As adults we reach for softer words like "gone to sleep", "lost" or "passed away". But children take language literally. "Gone to sleep" can make bedtime frightening. "Lost" can send a child looking for their person. Clear words feel hard to say, but they're kinder.
Be honest, and keep it simple
You don't need a long explanation. Something like:
"Their heart stopped working, and they died."
"The illness made their body so poorly it stopped working, and they died."
Short. Clear. True. Share a little at a time, and let them take the lead on how much more they want to know.
Little ones may not yet understand that dead means forever. You might find yourself explaining it more than once, and that's completely normal.
Let them ask
Any question. As many times as they need.
Children fill the gaps with their own stories, and those stories are often scarier than the truth. They might ask the same thing over and over, because that's how they make sense of it. And if you don't know the answer, it's OK to say so.
Let them choose about the funeral
Children can be part of saying goodbye too. Explain what will happen: who'll be there, what they'll see, that people might cry. Then let them decide.
They might come along. Choose a song. Stay for part of it. Or light a candle at home instead. There's no wrong choice, as long as it's theirs.
Feelings, behaviour and feeling safe
Children puddle jump
Sobbing one minute. Asking for a snack the next.
It can be confusing to watch, and some adults worry it means a child is "fine" or didn't care. It doesn't. Children step in and out of grief in a way they can cope with. They jump into the puddle, then jump back out to play, and later they'll jump in again.
Make it safe to feel
Every feeling is allowed. Sadness, anger, guilt, relief, or nothing at all.
Not every child has the words yet, so give them other ways to let it out: running, dancing, drawing, journaling, building, playing. A feelings scale or a worry jar can help younger ones show you what's going on inside.
Expect changes
Anger. Clinginess. Trouble sleeping. Going back to things they'd grown out of.
This is grief showing up in the body. Keep kind, steady boundaries, and let them know the feelings underneath are OK, even when the behaviour needs gentle limits.
Keep things familiar
When their world has been turned upside down, small routines matter. Bedtime stories. The school run. Friday tea.
Normal feels safe. And those small anchors can help you too.
Staying connected
Keep the door open
Not just in the first few weeks, keep reminding them that you’re there to listen if they need to talk.
Grief doesn't follow a timetable, and children often revisit it as they grow and understand more. "I'm here whenever you want to speak about it." Say it often, even when they don't take you up on it.
Let them see you grieve
You don't have to hide your tears. When children see you sad, they learn that their sadness is allowed too. You're showing them how to grieve, not just telling them.
Side by side, not face to face
This one is especially true for teenagers. Some of the most honest conversations happen in the car, on a walk, or while cooking together. Less eye contact can mean more honesty, and less pressure to find the "right" words.
Talk to school
Teachers can't support what they don't know about. Let school know what's happened, and keep them updated, especially around anniversaries, Mother's Day, Father's Day and other dates that might feel hard.
Remember them together
Memory boxes. Their favourite meal. Their song in the car. Painting, writing, or making something together.
Creativity gives children a way to keep their person close, and it shows them it's OK to keep talking about them. Grief doesn't mean letting go. It means finding new ways to stay connected.
And look after you too
Supporting a grieving child while you're grieving yourself is a lot. You can't pour from an empty cup, but you don't have to fill it on your own either.
Lean on family, friends, school and support services. Let people help. You don't have to do this alone.
You won't always find the right words
That's OK.
Grieving children don't need us to have all the answers. They need us to be honest, clear and, most importantly, there.
Where to find support
Child Bereavement UK: 0800 02 888 40, for children, young people and the adults supporting them
Here in Liverpool: Alfie's Squad and the Anthony Davies Bereavement Charity both offer local support for bereaved families
Afterglow: if you're grieving and supporting a child through grief too, I'm here. You're always welcome to get in touch.